Well as you’ve read, I have successfully joined the Army! Much to my unexpected surprise, instead of feeling pumped and excited, I was darn-near knocked over by this tsunami of grief!
I feel silly to not have anticipated this, but here I am; treading in the waters of my grief. It never occurred to me I would experience such a sense of loss? I knew I was choosing to make numerous sacrifices for this opportunity:
Freedom to rock fun hair colors
Freedom to outwardly display my artist witihin, FULLY
Freedom to wear my nose ring 24/7
Freedom to get hand tattoos!
Freedom to choose NOT to workout if I don't feel like it
Freedom to choose where I'm going to live, etc
But I didn’t account for my soul’s grief over the last 42 years of “ life as I’ve come to know it would cease to be, for a life I know not of".
“Growth is change” is something I’ve said and embraced for most of my life, but I’m only just starting to understand that “change is grief” on a cellular level.
Can we truly ever embrace something new, without first letting go something that was familiar?
We try to make room for the new to move-in so to speak, but do we complete or even allow the death cycle to fully return to Earth and Sky before our rebirth?
How many of us forget to take time to create closure with the thoughts, feelings, locations, beliefs, and relationships we're letting go of before moving on?
I would wagger that we rarely look back long enough to mend those feelings of sacrifice, or what would likely-grow into an unintentional-wound of self-abandonment!
How fascinating to ponder if much of the feelings of abandonment we burdensomely carry with us, were easily repairable wounds just in need of self-acknowledgment and closure?
How long would it take you to appologize to your soul for all the times you moved on and made choices without saying goodbye, to all that you shared and knew from the days that came before?
How long would it take you to appeal to those wounds, empathizing with how jarring that must of felt to be cast aside without so much as a backward glance from yourself?
"I am sorry Self. Sorry I did not lovingly-guide you by the hand across this new threshold. I should've spoke to you more, and often, about the changes I was planning to take in regards to our better future. I unintentionally assumed, that "all parts of myself" were present and participating in the creation of this new path, but I neglected to check-in and see if any parts of myself were in need of being heard, seen, or felt. Can you forgive me? I did not mean to neglect or overlook you. You have taken me so far in this life, a life I am forever grateful for!"
"I have learned so much from our failures, triumphs, creations, and tribulations. Each stone along the path offered different gifts that helped shape me into the woman I am today. I know that you've made me strong, and were it not for all the many lessons we've shared together, I likely would not possess the gumpshion I have today to summit the grandest mountain we'll climb to date! Thank you younger-self for getting me here to this place. I'll take over from here, but know that you are loved and valued, and I hold you in the highest esteem for your committment to get us this far through life!"
Blessed Be,
Niene
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